choking

you realize
its ruined for the rest of us
but at least you were willing to try
and make better for yourself
trying to take what you want
what I could never do
pushing myself further away from others when
you’re pulling them closer, desperately
holding onto something that’s not there
someone who doesn’t care one way
or the other which direction we go
weathering through a windy ridge with a blue tarp
hermitage, alcohol, starvation
deep isolation
as the future revealed to me in a dream
this beautiful nightmare is waking
but I can’t stop walking away from everything
I ever loved
‘cause they never looked back
or down to me
below sulking underground endlessly
friendless
fiendishly fucking up all over again
you do realize it’s the end for me
before anything had a chance to start
in
solitary refinement
like this solar system confined to the sun
and your body to cement
this is my assignment, life aspiration
to find love within, and adoration alone
content in a bottle
continued through the stoned brain and calcium depleted bones lain
down in the dirt for me in a cross I KNOW
death doesn’t hurt
and my last breath on this earth will be softly spoken
like a prayer
a gasp of
lungs filled with
blood should be enough to kill the spirit
flood the membranes
of a loving loner, lost in the mountain
hopeless poet, drunk on his own words
laughing at his jokes
choking on my own fluid